By Dr Laila Abdel Aal Alghalban
Have you ever felt suffocated, helpless despite being surrounded by someone pretending to help? Do you feel that some people whom you make your absolute everything keep indifferent when mishaps and adversity hit, leaving you battling with anxiety and a sense of self-worthlessness? Do you feel that your life is littered with silent, toxic relations that push you to second-guess yourself and lead eventually to a weak, unconfident version of you? You are not alone! These are called passive aggressive behaviours. But before venting your anger and directing your guns towards passive aggressors, you have to know that all of us could sometimes be passive aggressors in one way or another!
How to detect passive aggression?
Passive aggression is an increasingly-used phrase. It may resonate differently with each individual, but it mainly describes (non)verbal behaviours that some people use to covertly make someone feel bad or question themselves. Passive aggression, actually, takes different forms.
Silent treatment
Silent treatment is one of the passive aggressive behaviours that some people use to punish someone for something they did or said, they go distant and non responsive, which leaves the other person hurt, conflicted or ignored. It is a type of revenge . But what makes some people go for that type of behaviour when they are angry or hurt instead of talking things through and resolve conflicts?
Minds go into a war zone
Many people who prefer silent treatment are usually overly emotional. Their emotions trouble them as they take pride in not showing any sign of anger or hurt. It is rooted in their minds that showing emotions is a sign of vulnerability, possibly because they were raised to be always that well put together. So, when they stumble upon arguments or hurt from people they care about, their minds go into a war zone between verbalising what they feel and not speaking a single word and bottling feelings up, making the other person figure out what they have done. Some people might think that it is cruel to fall silent, but the truth is that those who prefer silent treatment are afraid that if they verbalise their feelings, that would add more hurt and disappointment. It is, therefore, a self-defence mechanism.
Gaslighting: question your reality
A second form of passive aggression is gaslighting. This is a sort of psychological manipulation, brainwashing and control we do or being done against us. It happens when a gaslighter, a spouse, a parent, brother, a sister, a teacher, a co-worker, a friend, or a cult leader, abuses someone mentally and emotionally by subtly questioning their version of reality and perceptions. Sometimes, people may gaslight without ill intentions or motivations. Gaslighting makes victims feel that they are never enough, credible or worthy of trust. The abuse could last for years and its negative impact could be so strong. The first step is to detect gaslighting to stop being gaslit, manipulated or bullied. Healing needs seeking counseling, writing, and exercising.
Procrastination
A third vibrant form of passive aggression is procrastination. Failing to meet the deadlines and evading duties and responsibilities indicates that you really mean to indirectly hurt others. Unfortunately, procrastination is a self-harm habit. Punctuality and the immediate response to tasks enhances one’s self-image and build strong, supportive bonds.
The list of passive aggressive behaviours also includes sulking, a kind of covert anger and punishment. Gossiping and ill thoughts are another form. Backhanded compliments and sarcasm are no exception.
Astrology, personality characteristics and passive aggression
Although astrology is controversial and some people think that it is unreliable, other people believe that there is a strong relation between the time when we were born and how we feel and react to different situations as we are connected to the universe and this impacts our behaviours. Predicting events is not our point of discussion when it comes to astrology, but personality characteristics related to certain zodiac signs are what we focus on. Scorpio, Aquarius and Cancer, for instance, are known for bottling their emotions and are most likely to be passive aggressors, while Aries, Gemini and Sagittarius are believed to be very expressive, rather outspoken, wearing their hearts on their sleeves.
The generalisation is not necessarily right as we are not one sign; we are a combination of signs based on our moment of birth, as astrology experts say. For example, Aquarius, born in the heart of winter, are known to be detached, not in touch with their emotions; they may be the most prone to ignore how they feel and give the silent treatment as a form of anger or any kind of negative emotions. On the other hand people born under fire zodiac signs, Aries, Leo and Sagittarius, seem to be very expressive of their emotions whether it is love or anger; they have the urge to let their state of being known and they don’t seem to hold onto any negative emotions; they talk them out even in a dramatic way and keep going with their lives!
When upbringing does say
Upbringing also has a huge role in how we react to any type of negative emotions. Open and forgiving families help their kids be more verbal and accepting of negative emotions. Anger, embarrassment and crying are sadly interpreted as weakness, which is totally wrong .We should, as a community, change that stigma as these emotions are a part of our human experience . Shaming people for how they feel leads to more psychological problems and less open communication. We should embrace that and raise our children to be themselves fully and proudly.
Finally, all of us could be involved in passive aggression. Let us have mercy on one another. Let us learn how to create a healthy and warm communicative environment, where we talk our feelings directly, freely, tolerably and compassionately. Let us be honest and cooperative to lead a more beautiful life.
By Dr Laila Abdel Aal Alghalban Professor of linguistics Faculty of Arts Kafr el-sheikh University
Email: [email protected]
